Carol

There are many days, lately, I don't even want to hear about autism or the word autism. I'm so saturated with that word and the feelings it's stirred inside me.

It's like how I hate the word depression and things associated with it.

I feel burned out. I think I really need to switch my therapist because she ain't doing it for me anymore. It's actually been a real long time since she's actually helped me in a profound way. Her calling me every 2 weeks or every 4 weeks isn't helping me either. I feel like just another paycheck to her. I know her being my therapist is her job and I technically am her paycheck, but it feels like the intention to help me isn't actually there anymore, it feels like she is just doing her weekly call to get those hours in and there is no effort to help me in any way any more. Since the pandemic started it feels more and more awkward and isolating.

Yes, isolating. That is the word that feels like is playing out in large pockets of my life right now. And I am not okay with it.

Just the idea of looking for a therapist is so disheartening. I don't have the energy to do trial and error sessions with new therapists. It's like dating, if I had to go back into the dating world, I think I'd rather not. I am not up for searching for that person that will get me and allow me to be vulnerable in front of them.

I don't know what to do. I think I may ask a few of my friends that actively go to therapy to recommend me a good therapist. I don't want to settle for a half assed therapist. I want to actually get better and cope with my daily issues in a healthy manner.

My Adam isn't feeling too good for the last few days. Not covid. Just a bad reaction to his annual shots and a stomach bug.

He pooped a penny in his last stool and I--aside a little stunned--wonder if I should get an xray done for him. I feel really worried about it. I'm going to see if I schedule him an appointment.

Last night I finally got around to watching Ghost World and I really liked the movie. I did not like too much Rebecca and Enid's character. I thought Seymour was a much likable one. I always gravitated toward people with Seymour's personality. But, I understand everyone was an Enid and Rebecca at one point. Well, most of us.

I didn't understand the ending too much. I read online it was symbolic of Enid committing suicide. I may pick up the Ghost World comic book version the movie was based off of.

I went to Long Island and ate at Red Lobster. My husband bought lobster tail, snow crab legs and shrimp and he tried them for the first time--minus the shrimp--and he absolutely loved it.

He's an incredibly picky eater and often times I end up with a massive headache trying to go out to eat at certain places. So, for him to like the new food he's trying, is like a mini victory for me.

I'm not able to eat lobster and crabs and shrimp due to a shellfish allergy, but I can eat regular fish, squid and calamari (that's squid or octopus as well I'm assuming) so it's nice being able to go out to eat at certain places that are out of our usual routine.

We had fun. I very much enjoyed our time there. But, to be quite frank, I prefer City Island's Johnny's Reef. Their calamari is more delicious and not dried up like Red Lobster's. I also like the awesome view of the ocean compared to just a semi vacant parking lot.

There are days where I just want to be at peace in my own space. I want it so bad. I dream of my own place. At my age, living at my mother's place with two kids and husband in one room is pretty uncomfortable and depressing. There are days where I don't feel like doing anything since it's cramped and messy. My mom is a bit of a hoarder and 4 people living in one bedroom with little space for personal belongings has been a bit detrimental to my mental health. Dealing with Adam's stressful tantrums hasn't helped either. I just feel unmotivated to clean or pick up after my kids.

Adam makes these horrible messes that seem endless. I don't feel motivated to clean up since I don't know where to put anything. I really can't wait to have my own space to keep tidy (as much as possible with small children) decorate at my leisure, meal plan the way I damn well want and just feel less anxious.

Im going to miss her, my mom, sometimes. I might even miss my brother, but I think living on my own is a necessity to my mental health at this point. I just hope my new place has decent lighting and it's reasonably spacious. I have hope it will be what I imagined it to be.

It's kind of strange, when I really think about it, but the next time I end up possibly living with Luis is when my mother is no longer a part of this world. It makes me a little sad. (Like how will he deal with it if he can't forget anything and doesn't understand changes or how things work.) Although I really want to live with my own little family, I feel kind of sad and bittersweet about no longer living with my mother and brother anymore.

That phase of my life is coming to an end. I don't know why I'm nostalgic and a bit blue about it. I suppose it's difficult for me, as it has always been, dealing with change. Change is always hard and scary for me. Anxiety fills me up when I'm confronted with it.

Starting my Saturday off hanging out with my two boys. These quiet mornings I quite enjoy with them. My mother seems to enjoy them too. Sometimes I feel bad that one day these wholesome mornings will end when I move out in a few months and my mom will feel alone and the absence of her daughter and grandchildren will weigh heavily. But, for now, it's perfectly okay. I'm enjoying these precious times.

Next month my two boys will be another year older. I can't believe Adam will be 4 and Kenneth will be 2. I'm going to miss their baby stages. I've grown very fond of Kenneth's baby stage. He's more openly affectionate than Adam was and is and I can't get enough of it.

I think I will be very sad when Kenneth turns into a little boy. Bittersweet. It does by go quick. One day they won't be on my heels Seeking attention from their mother. I think when that happens my heart will break a little. It's a part of life though.

It's my husband's birthday and I went out in the hot summer heat and bought a blackberry flavored cheese cake and a cologne for him.

I wasn't expecting to break the bank with the cologne, but I wanted him to be happy (which he was joyful of all that I got him), the Versace Eros cologne smells like a dream.

I really dislike many of the tacky DIYs online for gothic decor. I know many goths are into thrifting and such, but I can't stand how ugly most ideas I've seen on Tiktok and Pinterest is.

Ugh, I can't stand it. I like Halloween as much as the next person, but I think I'm going to toss the computer the next suggestion for How to make a Beetlejuice closet pop up. Can't there be more tasteful DIY home decor for the darkly inclined?

I'd like to see white gothic decor as well.

Sometimes I feel quite blessed for having my husband and my children in my life now. I feel like although my life before my marriage and kids was lonely and a touch to involved with my ongoing depression. I'm saying marriage and birthing kids is the key to fixing depression and all. Mental health ailments. Absolutely not.

But, in my case, I felt like it put me in a position to want to get better and find a balance to managing and even overcoming the constant symptoms to mental illness.

I've always battling with depression and anxiety my whole life. I honestly wished I could have sought help and treatment at a very early age. Perhaps, my life would have had less suffering and I would have done more things and taken opportunities to better my life. Depression took so much from me, it's sickening. It finally took becoming a mother that wants to provide and healthy, loving environment to put in all my effort to seek treatment (as well as a lot of soul-searching) and strive to become stable with my conditions.

Anxiety and depression are always going to be lurking in the shadows. I just found the way to continue keeping them at bay.

That feeling of hollowness when he, my husband, goes off to work for several hours and I am here alone with no one to talk to. Thankfully the kids keep me busy. But, since the pandemic started, I been feeling so isolated and the stress of not feeling safe to be in a social gathering has made me feel lonely. I miss my friends. I miss the ease of going out to the market with my children and not worrying about contracting a deadly virus.

I'm tired of wearing this stupid mask that has given me mask acne.

I want to travel again. I want my kids to safely play with other children in the playground or in places children gather to interact.

I'm so tired of the covid.

I also miss my grandpa. He died in March from covid. I never got to see him again. He never got the chance to visit New York like he always wanted to.

Aside feeling pretty emotionally unstable and my sanity slowly chipping away with each rerun episode of Sesame Street on daily rotation, I'm learning how to regulate my emotions.

It's pretty hard not diving deep into depression and anxiety when the feelings and situations that create the environment of a constant overwhelming state of being. I get overwhelmed with my role of an stay-at-home mom and carer to autistic son and my younger infant child, I feel overwhelmed and sometimes defeated and sometimes the care of my kids is not up to par.

I kind of wish I got the right help when I was in my teens and I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I wish I was able to put it into words what I was going through to get someone with the right tools to help me. Maybe if I got the right help, I'd be in a better situation.

I have good days where I feel like I'm going to be okay and everything will fall into place and I'll manifest my goals and dreams with perservence and hope and then the other time, then there's that anxiety driven racing thoughts that make it hard to do anything.

Having a mental illness and a child on the spectrum is not an easy package deal. I hope my son achieves a form of high functioning status so I manage and survive this hand I was dealt with. I really tip my hat off to the parents, the mothers in particular, who manage to live their life and coexist with their special needs children.

I hope Adam reaches the level of high functioning. Right now, he is considered on the level of severe. I hope he manages exceed everyone's expectations.